bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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