oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
