I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
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