I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
