I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
