Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
