So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I believe in your delicious
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
