The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
