i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
