walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
