last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Found your dick twin last night
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
