Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
