I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
She needs sedatives and a leash
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
