Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Someone shit on the floor
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
