Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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