my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
