i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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