If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
How does it feel to date your dad?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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