I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
