Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
The best revenge is premature balding
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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