I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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