it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
