I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Green mimosas i think yes
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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