There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
