wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
