tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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