that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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