you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
