In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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