I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We need to get me chipped asap
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