dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
