after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
