The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
