I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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