K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
