I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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