it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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