I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
