Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
