dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
