So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
