my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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