Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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