not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
