i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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