just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
