I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
