Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
