I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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