Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
