I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
