I want to make a zoo with you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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