You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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