I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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