Where did you get a picture of my penis
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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