I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Randomize
