He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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