i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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