Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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